Monday, August 23, 2010

Forgiveness - the greatest gift you can give yourself

I am hoola-dancing through Angel Believes' 30 day challenge ...

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

(again with the preposition?? yikes...)

Forgiveness is a special thing. It takes a big person, a helluva lot of time, and several perfectly-timed events after the offense to really forgive someone all-the-way.

Especially in matters of the heart.

If you've never had your heart broken - you were the breaker of hearts (for shame!). This post might help you realize why someone 10 years out still wants your head on a stick.

I was the heart breaker through high school and part of college. I was a bitch, frankly. I am very sorry to those who I hurt - and only fully understood what I had done when it happened to me.

Without going into major detail - I fell head over heals over head over heals for this guy. And him me. It was crazy. It was real. We were 20.

Dating...blah blah blah...Love...blah blah blah...Engagement...blah blah blah.

Then cheating. Then DEVASTATION. Then 6 months. Then man on knees asking for forgiveness. Then edgy-love. Then cheating.

Then done. The end.

Burn me twice, I'm the ass.

The way everything happened - the fact that I was left with a job and no home for the summer - the fact that I was left no option but to hang out with work people - the fact that my future husband was working at the desk beside me through it all --- got me where I am today.

And I was grateful.

7 years after the end of my previous relationship - I held onto the hate. The pain. I had suffered - and to some extent, still did.

I was 13 months pregnant and preparing to go to the wedding of a mutual friend of my ex and I. It was going to be the first encounter after all of these years. Of course, I was a sow and my self-esteem was in the negative numbers. I went anyway, and my husband stayed behind.

His wife stayed behind.

Neither of us knew anyone else at the wedding, so we were forced together in that manner. After so many years, we talked.

My being secure in my life (happy marriage, expecting a child, own my home, etc etc etc) made this encounter MUCH easier.

That night, I released that pain. I let it die.

I wanted for so long to be so much better than hate - and on that night, I was. I knew that no matter how shitty the events were that unfolded, they had given me so much more than I would have had otherwise.

I am happy not being followed by the specter of negativity and self-loathing.

I had forgiven. Wholly and completely. Finally.

1 comment:

Stay at Home Babe said...

I had a similar deal with my son's biological sperm donor who totally bailed. Friended on facebook and had a long overdue forgiveness session because why hold onto something when things have turned out so great for us? I feel a little sorry for him now. Never thought that would happen!!