City Girl Gone Country

A little bit more about me...

I grew up in a quickly over-crowding Chicago suburb.  I now live in the middle of nowhere.  The closest town (with restaurant AND car wash) is 20 miles away, and the nearest Target is 55 miles away.  I’ve been out here a while, and my experience in BFE has done me some good.  These are a few notes that I've made along the way...

On Driving:
Drive on your side of the road – whether or not there is actually a line down the center of said road.  Especially when you are approaching a hill steep enough to see me on the other side, driving at a normal rate of speed, on my side of the road, with enough time on my hands to follow your teenaged ass back to your house and give you a good tongue lashing (damn whippersnappers).  Oh, and 60 mph on gravel is NEVER a good idea.

On Solitude:
You don’t know dark until you are outside, beyond the reaches of city lights, during a new moon.  You don’t know lonely until the clouds cover the thousands of stars.  You don’t know wet undies until the coyotes begin to whimper 20 yards away from where you stand.

On Pets:
Animals do not belong on the road.  I don’t care if you have 35 nappy ass dogs and they continually spill over onto the asphalt.  Don’t let your blatant disregard for the well being of your animals ruin my day when one gets lodged under my bumper in its endless pursuit of tire biting.

On Wildlife:
I’m all about the nature.  Nature in woods, nature in prairie.  Live on, nature.  That is, unless you get in my trash, under my sink or begin pooping on my cookware.  Then you must die.  Every one of you, your children and grandchildren must all die!  I don’t shit on your skillets or eat your toilet paper, I only expect the same in return.

On Town Elders:
Without a café or donut shop available, old men in a rural community gather in one of two places: the gas station or the post office. There’s nothing quite like trying to buy a book of stamps and getting an earful of the town gossip.  Oh, and even though they probably aren’t buying anything, you must still wait for them to move out of the way for you to pay for your gas.   They own the place – and don’t you forget it.

On Water:
Growing up, the south summer breeze used to bless our home with the aromas of the city’s water treatment plant.  I now have well water and appreciate the services at which we used to crunch our noses.  Water was always available when it was a kid. Turn on the faucet and *poof* water. Now, if the power goes out (including the power to our well pump) – you only get one more toilet flush or your headed down to the creek with a bucket.

On Off-road Vehicles:
Namely, four-wheelers and golf carts.  Neither was designed to drive on roads.  It is not legal to drive them on the street.  Yes, I get ansty going 3.5 miles per hour behind you, so I’m going to ride up your ass.  Get them the fuck off of the STATE HIGHWAY.

On Guns:
If you are opposed to gun ownership, keep your lip zipped around these parts. If you are inclined to say "whoa, that sounded like a gun shot" don't. It was. Regardless of the time of year or hour of day. It just was.

On Nudity:
If I am on my property, completely concealed from being seen from any road or adjacent property – I may or may not be naked (partially or totally).  Sneak up and observe my nudity at your own risk.  Nudity almost definitely does not equal sexy if I don’t know that I’m being watched.  No matter what you think, I AM sucking it in when I know I’m being watched (clothed or otherwise).