Saturday, November 13, 2010

Bet you've never had this happen to you in a parking lot!

So there I was...

At the doctor's office for Babygirl's pink eye...AGAIN...when the feeling washed over me.

I'm gonna puke.

I had already revisited my breakfast of water, pepto and a single saltine cracker.  Hours ago.  I had managed to get some canned chicken soup down before the greasy after taste made me stop - kicking myself for not having homemade soup on hand.

Fight it! Fight it!  You won't puke in your own toilet at home let alone in the one at a doctor's office.

I handed Babygirl off to Hubs.  I had asked him to come in case my flight mechanism was triggered.

The doc came in.  I couldn't say a word, the back of my neck was on fire - that paired with the stale air in the exam room...not good.  The doc did his thing, and we were outta there.

I did a quick "bill me" checkout and hurried to catch up to them as Hubs loaded the baby into her carseat.

And then it happened.

I grabbed a shoebox out of the backseat and was reintroduced to my chix soup.

You know when you've pissed off the Karmic balance of the world in some way and have to make the ever important decision: shit or puke in the toilet?  Yeah, that was me - IN A PARKING LOT.

Me: I just shit myself

Hubs: You wha.... *gag*

Me: *barf/shit*

Hubs: *Fumbles with carseat straps - violent gag*

Me: *Looking down and a shit puddle is forming at my right foot on the asphalt* You've got to be kidding me...*barf/shit down the other leg*

Hub locates blanket to cover my seat *dry heave, dry heave, dry heave* making his way to the driver's side of the car. He rolls down all the windows.

I dump my shoebox in order to preserve the integrity of the cardboard if I need to unload while we drive.  I sit down and immediately dig in the glove box. I found a 5 year old scented lotion that's lost nearly all of its color.  Hubs slathers it around his nostrils.

While I don't want to say the experience was lucky by any means...but I was wearing black pants that are made of a poly fabric that didn't let much seep through.  I was also wearing crocs - so no harm/no foul on that end.  And I have rubber floor mats. The 20 minute ride home lasted forever.  It was unseasonably warm for mid-November, so driving with all the windows down didn't freeze out our little one in the back.

When we did get home, I sent hubs and baby inside to save the remaining ounce of dignity I still had.  Dropped trou on the deck (mind you, no neighbors or passers-by can see the house) and hosed off everything while kicking/spraying our ever-disgusting, over-curious dogs away.

I saw the humor in this almost immediately.

What would the fireman who passed me as I was walking out the door of the doctor's office think when he finds a wet spot with pre-chewed noodles paired with two identical puddles of shit in the vacant space beside his truck? Heh.

Oh what a day!


TheNextMartha said...

Wow. Just wow.

Liz said...

OMG this is hysterical! Well for me anyway NOT for you yet....

My daughter has 5 children ages 8-11 and she tells me stories like this all the time, even she has had the "movement"!

She told me once how one kid barfed in the van, and then everybody else started barfing and gagging.

She dropped the kids at home and took the van to a car wash and vaccumed out the puke!

Deanna said...

Wow I now feel a lot better about puking in a box of crackers then peeing myself in the car while I still had morning sickness. So thanks for making me feel better and good for you for being able to laugh about it.

GrandeMocha said...

Wow! I thought my headachy morning was bad. Nope doesn't even compare.

Bethany said...

Oh, no, no..You have me beat, big time. I'm sorry!

Cort (Modern Super Momma) said...

Looking back on it now, I would DIE for video coverage. It would be SO perfect to plug in at the end of the post!

Tough Cookie Mommy said...

Unfortunately, I can totally relate to everything going wrong at the same time. Bodily fluids can be so unpredictable and things like this happen to all of us at some time. You just happen to be brave enough to share it with all of us. I love your honest writing style and I am definitely following. I have seen your tweets but never passed by your blog before. I would love to add you to my blog followers too.

DrLori71 said...

You're right - this has never happened to me in a parking lot :-)

ag.gray.gate said...

This is single-handedly one of the funniest things I have ever read! Bravo :)

I felt your pain: "barf or shit in the toilet". Some of my happiest moments have revolved around finding a toilet where my face could reach the sink whilst sitting!

Allison Zapata said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats such an awful feeling!! ACK! Thanks for sharing though ;)

Pardonne Moi said...

You're kinda my hero for posting that :)