Friday, January 28, 2011

Waving good-bye

Some people have the luxury of staying at home with their children. By luxury, I'm referring to the opportunity and not the lap in which a SAHM or SAHD sits.

I, although I did try my damnedest, am not that fortunate.

I drive the 15 miles into town twice a day and back to leave my daughter at day care.  Yes, I work at home - but that doesn't give me an extra set of hands, another brain, and four times the energy to work 50+ hours a week AND chase a toddler.

Go ahead - judge me for my decision to not work through the night and be exhausted while I half-assed care for my kid. I tried it. Nobody wins. I'm secure in my choice. It didn't work for our family. If you can do it, and not land yourself in the looney bin - fantastic for you and your family!

One thing that I love more than anything is how much my daughter LOVES the people who care for her.  She giggles with delight as we approach the building.  I have to fight to get her coat off of her because she's already diving in the half-door toward welcoming arms.

I know she is safe. I know she is learning. I know she is developing socially. And I know she is loved.

We were lucky to have only gone through one iffy caretaker before we found our match.

Yes, she has electric green snot more often than I'd prefer. I keep telling myself that her system won't be shocked later on when she's introduced to germ buckets later. I also know that part of that is utter bullshit.  She'll still get sick. And she'll still bring it home to my hermit, housed-dwelling ass.

Sometimes, when I leave her - she cries.  Sometimes, she ignores me as her attention is on the morning bowl of Cheerios or children running around.

This morning, she turned from her bowl. Smiled. And waved good-bye.

It broke my heart.

I'm still crying.

She's safe - and I sure as shit wouldn't get my work done with her here - but dammit if I didn't want to just scoop her blond hair, blue eyed little butt up and bring her back to cuddle.



Ella said...

I couldn't even imagine.

You are one strong lady.

and I absolutely adore you for that.

Tina said...

*hugs* We all have our challenges and burdens to bear. We all try to make things work the best we can for our families given the situations/personalities/circumstances we find ourselves in. You're doing what's best for you and yours and no one can fault you for that.

At least the weekend is coming and you can cuddle her soon!

Deanna said...

Working at home I wonder if I will get anything done when our baby comes. But I think it makes you an awesome mom for wanting to give her the best of you when you can and not just half assed all the time. I think it is a very unselfish and hard decision.

Cort (Modern Super Momma) said...

Thanks, ladies. I used to feel so insecure about "leaving my child" at daycare. What would people think?? Now, frankly, I don't care! I know that the alternative is depression and unable to do ANYTHING 100%. In the long run, I'm sure she'll understand. In the short term, she's learning to love and play and do other things while I get my stuff done here! Also, I've never missed a "first" so that helps, too!

Stay At Home Babe said...

It's SOOOO hard. And you're right, you can't be depressed and tired from overworking yourself. No one wins there. She'll be 16 and stealing your car before you know it. Don't worry :)

Kasie said...

Cort, there is nothing worse than feeling like you are doing 50 things at 50%. I totally agree. I think you are making a great decision (or at least I think its great since I would totally do the same thing if my job was from home and demanded 50+ hours a week!) Not that its easy, but its the right thing to do. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." But you already knew that :)

GrandeMocha said...

I think kids are better with some time with parents, some time at day care. They learn they aren't the center of everything. They get to mix with other kids. Yes they get sick a lot. But then they get sick less when they get to school.