The next few posts are going to be conference related... brace yourself.
I am hard on myself. You all know that.
Mirrors are my enemy, and there are no fewer than four in my hotel room.
The bathroom has the standard mirror over the sink - in an overly lit sterile bathroom. It makes my should-be raspberry chocolate hair color look black, my skin look pasty, and my teeth yellow.
Add to that the side-kick mirror that has 100 time magnification so that each and every pore is the size of a quarter. It made tweezing both easy and endless. Also it made me feel sorry for anyone who has seen me at very close range in the last five years (husband, baby, dentist, doctor...).
Getting ready and attempting to apply make-up that looked appropriate in the mirror without looking hooker-y in real life was a challenge. It was a blow to my self esteem looking like a pale, helmet-headed clown.
I guess with the little one always one step away from danger, I don't have time to over analyze myself in my mirror at home - which is under-lit and far enough away that without my glasses everything blurs a bit. Just the way I like it.
So I get dressed, and walk out into the room. The mirror over the desk cuts me off conveniently at the hip. The lighting is poorer, and I adjust the make-up to an appropriate level.
Then I did it.
I turned around and saw myself (my back and associated back side areas) in the full length mirror on the closet door. YIKES!
Commence trying on all combination of underwear and pants in my bag.
Ack!
I chose the lesser evil - considering I HAD to tuck in the button up dress shirt with company logo.
I officially avoided all mirrors in the room and elsewhere the remainder of the day to avoid giving myself the "you poor girl, you used to be cute, but then you let yourself go" look. I hate that look.
Instead of working out - I've done nothing but eat and drink here.
*sigh*
I need Jillian standing behind me to give me a quick Tae-bo style kick squarely in the ass - both when I grab for the cookie in the buffet and when I give myself that look.
I am making two steps forward and three steps back with this diet...between being away from home, a money crisis, clothes not fitting, and other associated ick - I'm really having trouble with the idea that I have less than 9 weeks to make my weight goal.
There are times when money can't buy happiness - but right now, having the cash to cover bills and buy healthy food might buy me a smile.
I'm off to count quarters to ensure that I can make it home from this place...
Right now, home (and poorly lit mirrors) will help make me happy!
2 comments:
I know that look. I know it too well. Sorry kiddo. That sounds really shitty.
I know you are hard on yourself and I understand self abuse due to not looking how you wish you did but you are a beautiful person. Not on the inside (well yes on the inside too but that is not my point) You've still got it! So, give yourself a break.
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