So there I was...
At the doctor's office for Babygirl's pink eye...AGAIN...when the feeling washed over me.
I'm gonna puke.
I had already revisited my breakfast of water, pepto and a single saltine cracker. Hours ago. I had managed to get some canned chicken soup down before the greasy after taste made me stop - kicking myself for not having homemade soup on hand.
Fight it! Fight it! You won't puke in your own toilet at home let alone in the one at a doctor's office.
I handed Babygirl off to Hubs. I had asked him to come in case my flight mechanism was triggered.
The doc came in. I couldn't say a word, the back of my neck was on fire - that paired with the stale air in the exam room...not good. The doc did his thing, and we were outta there.
I did a quick "bill me" checkout and hurried to catch up to them as Hubs loaded the baby into her carseat.
And then it happened.
I grabbed a shoebox out of the backseat and was reintroduced to my chix soup.
You know when you've pissed off the Karmic balance of the world in some way and have to make the ever important decision: shit or puke in the toilet? Yeah, that was me - IN A PARKING LOT.
Me: I just shit myself
Hubs: You wha.... *gag*
Hubs: *Fumbles with carseat straps - violent gag*
Me: *Looking down and a shit puddle is forming at my right foot on the asphalt* You've got to be kidding me...*barf/shit down the other leg*
Hub locates blanket to cover my seat *dry heave, dry heave, dry heave* making his way to the driver's side of the car. He rolls down all the windows.
I dump my shoebox in order to preserve the integrity of the cardboard if I need to unload while we drive. I sit down and immediately dig in the glove box. I found a 5 year old scented lotion that's lost nearly all of its color. Hubs slathers it around his nostrils.
While I don't want to say the experience was lucky by any means...but I was wearing black pants that are made of a poly fabric that didn't let much seep through. I was also wearing crocs - so no harm/no foul on that end. And I have rubber floor mats. The 20 minute ride home lasted forever. It was unseasonably warm for mid-November, so driving with all the windows down didn't freeze out our little one in the back.
When we did get home, I sent hubs and baby inside to save the remaining ounce of dignity I still had. Dropped trou on the deck (mind you, no neighbors or passers-by can see the house) and hosed off everything while kicking/spraying our ever-disgusting, over-curious dogs away.
I saw the humor in this almost immediately.
What would the fireman who passed me as I was walking out the door of the doctor's office think when he finds a wet spot with pre-chewed noodles paired with two identical puddles of shit in the vacant space beside his truck? Heh.
Oh what a day!