Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Move over Tommy Edison and let the mother's mother of invention take a crack at it.

I hold this truth to be self-evident - I clearly don't have enough hands.

These are just a few of the "damn, I wish I had one of those" moments that I've had in recent days. Share these ideas at will - unless you're going to make money off of them - then I want a cut - like pay off the student loans for the education I'm no longer using and start a college fund for the little one - type cut.

Baby shower seat:
I need to shower. Fantastic concept, right? There just aren't enough minutes of momma-up/baby-sleep time in a day. Of course, when she is asleep, I have other things that need to get done around here - blogging, checking Facebook six zillion times, email account checks, blog comments (ha!), Yahoo! news and trending links, dishes, cleaning, laundry, oh and a little think called WORK that I'm supposed to be doing. Shower get's shafted most days until late evening. Which makes me feel grubby all day - longing for a shower. Then she wakes up. Then I really want a shower! I have accomplished the baby-on-hip shower now several times. I cannot plan to leave the house after said shower because I normally end up shampooing one side of my head and then conditioning the other side. Forget shaving, too. I can at least rinse the fuzz off that way. I need a seat that I can plop the baby in - where she won't get inundated with mom backsplash. It could be Bumbo-y foam that suction cups to the wall. But then again I never get the saliva to surface area ratio right. My razor saver doesn't even stay on - let alone something that would hold 20lbs of precious cargo. Ok, scratch the suction cup idea. I need something to do with the kid that keeps her at arm length AND HAPPY without letting her crawl behind the toilet...eww eww eww.

Head brace:
At least once a day, I need a very mobile, squirmy, shifty baby to be ABSOLUTELY still so that I can do something 100% against her will. From snot sucking to face crust removing to tooth/gum inspecting to medicine administering I need something that will hold her head still so that I can do what I have to do using at least one free hand. Yes, I know knees work for this, too - but I always envision the flower head of a dandelion popping off when I'm doing the knee thing. It freaks me out. We need soft, yet firm. Maybe even have it come with an ocean scene poster that you can stick to the ceiling like at the ob office. Ahh, seagulls and waves make me forget you're prepping the ice-cold duckbilled clamps.

Spiky plate:
Think velcro on steroids. I need a no-slip plate where the no-slip surface is both in contact with the counter and in contact with my food. So that the counter doesn't inadvertently come in contact with my food. Have you buttered bread with one hand? No. Why? Because it cannot be done. You must use the forearm, hip, side, microwave, mouth or something to prop the spreadee to apply the appropriate pressure of the spreader. Cutting food is a pain in the ass, too. I need a plate with tiny fingers - spikes if you will - that will hold food items in place and provide the resistance needed to get the job done. Items that are not dishwasher or microwave safe need not apply.

One wet wipe dispenser:
Yes one. One and only one. Not none where you dig your hand into the raccoon trap of a hole, grab the wipe that has fallen in and scratch the hell out of your hand. Not the one that you have to close the door on the corner of the wipe to have it ready for next time - and then return to a dry wipe! Oh no. Not me. Other wipes are too overlapped, so when you pull out one, you end up with the clown string of 15 wipes and have to do the shake it dance to get one or two while the other hand cramps while holding the squirming, shit-covered kid still. It seems so simple. Kleenex perfected the technique years go. Come on wipes - get with the program!

That's all I have right now. I'm spent, and tired. I'd go to lay down for a nap, but that sound always wakes the little one up.

Maybe I should work.

Or watch Days of Our Lives.

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