Nothing puts you in your place quite like an unexpected visit from the UPS man...

I'd been working for a few hours. The baby was in my lap attempting to choke herself on the drawstrings of my hoodie. I'm still trying to be productive by one-hand typing (never works out) while playing keep away with Handsy McGee in my lap.

Beep. Beep.

The dogs lose their shit.

Already outside for the day, they're halfway up the drive and the UPS driver has now stopped for fear that he's going to hit them. Honking a disproportionately weak horn for such a large truck.

NON-COUNTRY FOLKS: If you come to a house in the country and they have dogs outside DON'T STOP! As long as you keep moving, they will stay out of the way. Once you stop, the deal's off. They're sniffing tires, under the bumpers, jumping in windows. Keep it moving!

So, of course, I need to go out an wave him down.

Newbies.

My dogs sound like they're attack dogs. Snarling, Growling. The old UPS guy had it figured out. Just get out of the truck and they won't bother you anymore. The romance is gone.

Well the man-boy in the truck today was not up on dog etiquette. He stands 2-steps up in his truck and tries to reach over the head of my biggest dog. DUMBASS! He's obviously never been bit before. Of course, my dog just backs off recognizing that as an aggressive posture and barks from a distance. He then calls my dog INTO the truck! What the fuck? Have her home by midnight, Charlie, because this dog's hunting for a RIDE!!

I told her "no", and he came down out of the truck.

He takes my package past me (I was holding the baby - still chewing on drawstrings), up the deck stairs and starts to open the door! He paused for a second to ask if I wanted it placed inside. Yes, sure. You're already in the house...and the box is heavy. Full of my bulk supply of baby food.

As he brushed a little too close to me as he went back to the truck -- I realized it. I was TOTALLY trashed out. Hair was unwashed and uncombed for 2 days, no makeup, and what the hell is moisturizer?? I have on holy pajama pants and my once-white sweatshirt was covered with carrots at varying degrees of digestion. What's best is my nursing bra - totally WORN OUT from 6 months of use is showing only the around-the-boob contraption out of the top of my tank top. It looks like a boob thong. FABULOUS.

I came inside, and brushed my hair and teeth. Found my deodorant. He won't be back, but damn it if I'm going to be caught off guard if Fed Ex were to roll my way today!!