Rollin' rollin' rollin' - a window into a very dark, dank self image

Over the weekend I caught myself saying the following phrases...
"When did this happen?" "I hate my body" "GAWD, I used to be hot"

I am NOT a superficial person (mostly), but when I had tried on ALL 5 pairs of jeans that I own, and cannot BUTTON any of them...My self esteem had almost completely vanished.

I dove into a pit of self-pity, went to Walmart specifically to purchase elastic waisted pants - and drank myself silly (hence the discovery of two yummy drink options reviewed here and here).

Sunday, I decided to start anew. I have three months until I turn 30. What better reason to motivate myself than the turning of the page on a decade?

So, I woke up this morning late. I'd eaten an entire Hershey's bar in bed...and, well, watched 27 Dresses (love that movie) instead of sleeping. Whatever. I'd start anew Monday afternoon.

I woke up, brushed teeth, fed baby and ran out the door. I managed to make the conscious effort of wearing jeans today. Non-elastic waist band. I've let myself go by wearing pants that allow me to expand.

After work, while baby napped, I engaged myself.

I took a set of "before" pictures.

Of course, I don't want to show the actual before pictures until progress has been made. Subway's Jared wasn't all showing off his size 65 jeans before he lost the weight - I'm not going to either.

The picture to the left is close though.

Muffin' spillage. Thigh wedgie.

Hot hot hot.

This is an exaggeration - to some extent. For example, I don't have a lobster claw hand, wonky shaped feet, and my red highlights have faded out. The rest is real.

With the added motivation of seeing those...I whipped my own ass doing the P90X Ab ripper dvd.

Oof.

Then went on a hike wearing my 20 lb baby on my back.

Managed to hike all the way down to the river, listened to the serene gurgle of the flow, peed my pants a little (oh so literally), and then had to hike up hill all the way back to the car.

I was proud of the activity, not so much about the wet pants.

Man, I feel like a woman...duh duh dada duh - duh duh!!

I'm pushing myself to do this. It is a real push.

I have 15 1/2lbs to lose, an ass to perk, thighs to dwindle, and a muffin top to dissolve. 12 weeks to go!

Kick my ass, readers!! I need you to push me!!

I'll post my (real) before and after on my 30th (Nov 29 - hold me to it!!).

In Bed

This weekend was a long, fun-filled weekend. Although I managed to not awaken with a pink lemonade and spiced apple hangover (score!), I didn't feel like Suzi Homemaker today.

We had Chinese take out tonight for dinner.

Bloated with General Tso's and eggrolls - the following was the fortune I pulled from an incredibly stale cookie: "Win as if you are used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change."

...in bed.

I don't know when I started the habit of adding "in bed" to the end of a fortune. Sometimes, they really juice up the interpretation - other times, like tonight, not so much.

My husband's was "You are an outgoing and fun loving person"... in bed.

Yep. That one worked....and isn't a lie.

Both are less fortune and more generalities than I'd prefer.

Stale like the cookies.

At least they aren't poor English. Those are bad - the American-made happy meal toy end of the meal prize heads somewhere else to be written, then poorly translated, and then folded into cookies.

Anyway, it looks like tonight I will enjoy time with my outgoing and fun husband - and either win or be excited about not winning.

Yay....

What's black and blue and red all over?

Has officially abandoned Angel Believes’ 30 Day Challenge.

It was a nice go of it, and it got me back into writing daily. The topics listed are a bit trite for my writing style, and to be honest, I was getting sick of trying to make topics I came up with on my own fit the day's challenge.

I don't need that sort of pressure!

Anywho....

Something you might (probably) not know about me is that we are an archery family.

Who, what?

Bows and arrows. Sticks and strings.

We have an archery range on our property. My husband spends many a night shooting at targets as small as ping pong balls from 20 or even 30 yards away.

He's good, damn good.

My step-son is a great shot, too. Although the 10 year old that he is doesn't bode well for being committed to anything for more than 2 days.

I love to shoot. Correct and shoot. Correct and shoot. I love the mechanics of archery. Straight lines, aim...fire.

Of course, I don't shoot as often as I'd like. I could blame Babygirl, but that's really a cop out.

I hate the bugs this time of year. The only thing I hate more than bugs is bug spray.

I spend an entire summer in grad school drenched in Deep Woods Off. I literally melted finger shapes into my plastic click pencils and plastic clip board with the stuff.

...and *twitch* I've never *twitch, twitch* been quite the *twitch* same *twitch*

So I don't DO bug spray.

Deet can crawl in a hole and die.

I'll do the natural-based stuff if I have to be outside, but I'd just rather pass.

So I'm a pussy, and that's why I don't shoot as much as I should.

The other reason I don't shoot often is because I bruise easily. I wear an arm guard on my left arm (the one holding the bow and - for whatever reason - the one that gets slapped by my string), but no matter where it is positioned I end up with a huge, puffy, ugly bruise on my arm.

Currently, I'm sporting a blueish, purplish, reddish beauty that makes all the boys swoon.

I actually build into my decision to shoot the time it would take for a bruise to dissipate before I have to be seen in public (family gathering, work conference, etc - not Walmart because bruises are a bit more standard there...).

Anyway, I like to shoot - I don't like to get mosquito bites and bruise.

I'm considering full body armor.

Magazine - it's for your shitter

I just read a "neener, neener" one page pseduo-ad in Rolling Stone about the fact that magazines have not diminished in popularity as predicted when the Internet took hold of media train.

It touts:

Young people do everything online. Like order millions of magazines.... Contrary to popular misconception, the phenominal popularity of the Internet has not come at the expense of magazines.... What's changed isn't people's affinity for magazines but the means by which they acquire them. Last year, nearly 22 percent of all new paid subscriptions were ordered online...

(Rolling Stone - Issue 1110, p7)

Why are magazines not falling by the wayside? Because you need to read in the shitter!

I'm not hauling my laptop into the bathroom. I'm not leaving a Kindle beside the john to pick up during a twosie. I'm going to flip through a magazine. Light, disposable reading.

Rolling Stone, I congratulate you on your survival skills in a world where the medium upon which you present your information is more important than your content. I am disappointed that you've reduced your size and turned from a music base to almost solely politics and pop culture.

In my opinion, there is no reason why the True Blood stars should be on your cover -- sizzlin' hot as they may be.

Call me a prude, but that cover is not going in the bathroom where my 10 year old stepson is spending his time - nor where my Grandmother will be if she drops by.

It is HOT AS SIN and going in MY bathroom!

(I don't even have HBO, so I can't watch the show)

Picture courtesy of Rolling Stone.com (http://www.rollingstone.com/music/photos/28431/191807)

Like nailing jello to a wall

I am failing to comply with Angel Believes’ 30 Day Challenge.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I'm not feeling it. So I'm not writing about it.

It is 2:42 in the morning. My mind is whirring at top speed. It is stupid humid - (think fog cloud wrapped in rain forest). I am on an air conditioning strike. It is not hot outside, just humid.

I'm awake because I'm an ass and drank a Diet Coke at 10:30.

I went to my new counselor today. This is my second week with her.

Last week, she started my first visit with a big, long scantron test.

Yesterday, I got some of my results.

Apparently, I am passive aggressive (no, you are), expect perfection of myself (but I'll never get it), seek approval of others (please leave a comment), and I have an attachment disorder (don't unfriend me on Facebook or Twitter or I'll be so, so sad).

This evaluation didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it was interesting to have a booklet list my personality quirks without so much more than me answering a hundred true/false questions that I thought were fairly mundane.

I enjoy tests like this that give me an outside perspective.

The Myers Briggs test is one that really has me pegged. Prior to taking that test, I thought I was unique in the way I saw the world. That I had my own shade of rose colored glasses through which I gained perspective. Then I took the test and found that about 17% of the world's population have the same take on things.

I was also 22 years old when I took the test...so that explains a lot right there.

If you are interested in having your personality pegged to gain a little perspective on how you react to things, I suggest finding a certified Myers Briggs test (you'll pay a couple bucks - the free ones don't use the full design).

Moreover, I suggest you ask your better half to take the test. Compare and contrast your personality descriptions to learn more about how each other views the world, how they tend to form opinions and make decisions.

It's a growing experience that I highly recommend.